Dear New Agers,
1. No, I am not a Wiccan. No, you're not either. You don't know what that word means, stop using it. Yes, I do know more about Wicca than you. I have Wiccan friends with proper lineages, and I have studied actual Wiccan material and history. No, you have not. Reading half of 'To Ride A Silver Broomstick' by that gods-awful Ravenwolf woman does not make you a Wiccan. You don't know a damned line of Charge of the Goddess. You couldn't tell me the first thing about Gerald Gardner. You don't know how to cast a proper circle. You have never heard of Margaret Murray, Charles G. Leland, Robert Graves or otherwise. You can't tell Deosil from Widdershins. You haven't taken so much as a glimpse at the poetic wonder that is Doreen Valiente. You are clueless as to what the Threefold Law actually means, and your literal interpretation of the Wiccan Rede is laughable.
No, chakras, animal totems and karma are not a part of Wicca. Wiccans are free to believe in some of those things too, but they're not a part of the system as a whole.
No, not all Witches are Wiccans. And no, you cannot be a Wiccan without being a Witch. Wicca is a form of witchcraft.
It is to Witchcraft what Catholicism is to Christianity. None of this information is difficult to come by when one combines critical thinking with internet access.
2. No, Wicca and Paganism are not interchangeable. Wicca is one
form of religious Pagan witchcraft. Paganism refers to any religion that is not Christian, Muslim, Jewish nor *usually* Eastern. No, not all Witches are Pagans, either.
No, that does not make you a Greek Pagan. No, you're not worshiping Zeus. You don't know a lick of Greek mythology. You don't know even the gods of Olympus, much less the hundreds of other Greek gods in that pantheon. You cannot tell me the difference between ancient, classical and Hellenic Greece. You do not know any form of Greek cosmology. You don't know the Creation myth(s). You don't know the difference between the Protogenoi, Titans and Gods. You don't know who stole Apollo's cattle. You don't know the abduction of Persephone, nor what Her name was before She became Queen of the Underworld. You don't know a single epithet of Zeus. You don't even know what an epithet is, or why they're important.
You don't know Eros and Psyche, Orpheus and Eurydice, Pygmalion, the Odyssey, the Iliad, Oedipus Rex, any of the myths of Pan and couldn't name a single labor of Heracles. You don't know Pandora. You don't know Prometheus. You don't know Hecate. NO, you don't worship Her. If you say that again, I will hit you.
When I asked you who slayed Medusa, you said Beowulf.
3. No, you're not an occultist. Not a Witch, not a Magician, not a Sorcerer, nothing. You don't know basic magical law and theory. You cannot tell me the components of a spell, nor how to cast it. You don't know any form of divination. You don't know the occult properties of a single substance.
The only method of spirit communication you can name is via Ouija board, and you're too terrified of the damned thing to actually use it. You've never read a book on legitimate occultism in your life. You're so afraid of medieval grimoires it's physically painful.
You say you work mostly with "angels", yet you can only name four of them out of hundreds.
You cannot cite one reputable source on angelic magic.
You don't know how to meditate properly. I'd be surprised if you could sit still
for three minutes, much less achieve an altered state of consciousness.
You're petrified by anything that could be even remotely construed as 'dark', yourself included. You, for gods know what reason, are under the impression that because you're still secretly afraid of going to Hell, you get to dictate the practices of the rest of the occult community.
You have three primary reasons for seeking to eliminate "black magic", those being that A) you're a coward, B) you don't want anyone to possibly be able to surpass you in the ArtsWHICH ALMOST EVERYONE DOES ANYWAY
and C) you love going on ego-trips whenever you warn others of those evil warlocks, so that you get to brag about how much better and more "ethical" your path is compared to theirs. That's not "ethical". That's shitty, and you should feel shitty for doing it.
4. Yes, Satanism, Luciferianism and the like are both "Left Hand Path" religions/philosophies. No, that does not make them evil. The only reason they seem so dark and spooky to you is because you buy into whatever propaganda fundamentalist Christians distributewhich includes what *you* do, though you refuse to acknowledge this
and because you're too lazy, craven and crass to honestly learn about them.
And no, not all Pagans are "Right Hand Path", either--in fact, certain sects of Luciferianism and Satanism believe in Pagan gods.
They sometimes even consider themselves Pagan as well, the former especially. There's also the recently coined term "Dark Paganism", referring specifically to LHP traditions under the Pagan umbrella.
On that note, yes, Lucifer is a Pagan god.
He was worshiped in Rome as a minor deity personifying the Morning and Evening Star("Lucifer-Vesper"; "Lucifer Nocturnus"). Constantly preaching that "Pagans don't believe in Lucifer!" is not only historically inaccurate, but dishonest regarding modern traditions as well. Some paths do indeed recognize Lucifer as a god, most notably Stregheria.
Moreover, defaming other religions(in this case Satanism and Luciferianism)to make yourselves look better to the Christian majority is degenerate at best.
5. No, you're not the reincarnation of Paul Revere, nor Saint Peter, nor both simultaneously. You cannot tell me so much as one detail about either figure, much less how you can worship Zeus and still somehow be a Catholic saint.
You're not a tiger otherkin.
You're also not a prophet sent to earth to spread your own religion. You've described your "original and groundbreaking" theology to me in detail, and nothing you said hasn't been said before the exact same way. In fact, you're copy-catting Omnism almost to a T.
No, I will not "be a prophet" with you. That's not something you can just choose to do.
All you're doing is taking whatever sounds cool and stringing it together in some vain attempt to combat your own insignificance without having to do any work.
No, you were not
possessed by the demon Mammon. You were pissed off because I refused to sleep with you, and threw a hissy fit. I know this because when I pretended to exorcise you
, you were suddenly fine.
The only good thing that came of such moronic behavior was the satisfaction of dumping my impromptu "holy water"(i.e. redbull) on top of your stupid head.
And no. I'm not trying to steal your friend's soul. He's my friend too, and I have no reason to hurt him.
No, I'm not trying to turn him to "the dark side". This is not Star Wars. The dualistic, light-versus-darkness mindset you're stuck in is not only unrealistic and limiting, but dangerous when taken too far.
Wearing black and reading a lot doesn't make me Evil Incarnate.
It does not give you the right to tell our friend's mother that I'm turning him into a Satanic, drug-addicted, alcoholic dark magus because I'm evil and bent on corrupting the innocent.
He's twenty years old. Telling his mother on him is potentially the most inane, ludicrous, insipid and absurd action you could have possibly taken.
Proselytizing is not going to solve your problems with me, either. The sentiment that my gods and spirits are trying to enslave me and that I can still be "saved" is something I'd expect from an angry sermon, not a self-proclaimed "open-minded hippie". Stop being a hypocrite.
Furthermore , getting shit-faced drunk and assaulting me
to "triumph over evil", puking all over everything
and leaving yours truly to clean it all up is a surefire way to make an enemy of me.
Finally, no, Luciferians from Mars did not destroy Atlantis.
Sincerely, a preposterously pissed-off Witch.
tl;dr Like ten deviants total will understand this complaint, but I'm all out of fucks to give.